April Fools — April 3, 2012 at 6:04 am

ASUCR passes Bigfoot resolution, approves corporate sponsorships

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Graphic by Irin Son

ASUCR’s most recent senate meeting has resulted in the passage of a resolution acknowledging the existence of Bigfoot at the botanical gardens, the approval of corporate sponsorships and an injunction for the removal of cell phone signal-interfering devices at the HUB.On April 1, numerous students were strolling through the botanical gardens when they saw a giant, hairy creature that resembled a gorilla. Upon closer examination, however, the students concluded that the creature was actually Bigfoot (also known as sasquatch); photos taken by the students have led many others to share their conclusions regarding the creature’s identity. Bigfoot’s appearance has been attributed to the presence of beef jerky in one student’s backpack.

“This definitely confirms my suspicions regarding the establishment of the Citrus Experiment Station in 1907. I’ve always known that it was just a cover-up for the real objective: to allow the University of California to get credit for finding a live specimen of Bigfoot,” asserted a Bigfoot enthusiast and Riverside resident. The sighting has prompted a surge in Riverside’s tourism. In the aftermath of the sighting, the botanical gardens witnessed record-high numbers of visitors. The impact has also been felt at UC Riverside; university administrators have announced that they are considering a change in the school’s mascot from Scotty the Bear to Harry the Bigfoot.

The second portion of ASUCR’s senate meeting witnessed the passage of the corporate sponsorship initiative. The bill, which went into effect immediately, allows for corporations to purchase the naming rights of campus buildings. Numerous companies are already in the midst of finalizing their contracts with UC Riverside; Taco Bell Tower, Pepsi Hall of Engineering, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Library, Costco Hall and the Burger King Lecture Hall are among the newly named buildings that are currently underway. “I could get used to the new Costco Hall name. That’s how I always pronounced it anyway, until I found out that it was actually Costo Hall,” stated a third-year biochemistry major.

The final resolution passed pertained to the cell phone signal-interfering devices at the HUB. For years, students have dealt with the frustration of dropped calls and failed texts since satellite signals are unable to reach any cell phone on the first floor of the HUB. The implementation of the signal-interfering devices was first implemented in 2005 in an attempt to persuade students to stop looking at their cell phones and instead look at menu items. “I think it’s a huge step forward for our university. Now I can finally text while eating orange chicken,” said a first-year student. “I wonder if these same signal-interfering devices are also used at the student dorms.”

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