April Fools

by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:05 am / in April Fools, News

Wilcox quits chancellorship to become CEO of IHOP

Kim A. Wilcox has announced that he is stepping down as chancellor of UC Riverside to become the head of the International House of Pancakes (IHOP) by midnight on Friday, April 4. “I just can’t help myself,” Wilcox said. “I […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:04 am / in April Fools, News

First UC newspaper owned by Taco Bell

A Taco Bell “Live Mas” logo will be erected atop the Highlander newspaper office to welcome its new corporate management on April 5, according to Editor-in-Chief Michael Rios. At the cost of a nacho cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme, the […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:04 am / in April Fools, News

UC Riverside becomes completely privatized

This past spring break at an impromptu meeting, administrators of the University of California, Riverside were informed that winter 2014 would be its last quarter with public funding. In a detailed manifesto, titled “My Plans for the UC,” written by […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:04 am / in April Fools, News

Obama to deliver graduation speech at UCR, ditches UCI

In a press conference on Monday, President Barack Obama announced that he would be moving the location of his 2014 commencement speech from UC Irvine to UC Riverside. The commencement speech was originally intended for UC Irvine to celebrate the […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:04 am / in April Fools, News

Existentialism offered as major, students question why any of this even matters

Beginning in fall 2014, UCR will offer existentialism as a major under the College of Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences (CHASS) to meet the growing number of undergraduates — totaling 25 percent of all UCR students — who are still […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:04 am / in April Fools, News

‘Reckless Riders’ do not give a shit about university policy

Last fall, a new policy was implemented at UCR to prevent the reckless riding of skateboards, bicycles or wheeled vehicles around campus. However, according to a campuswide survey released by the Associated Students of UCR (ASUCR), 87 percent of the […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:02 am / in April Fools, Opinions

Students who skip class deserve to be called deserters

As the school year nears its end, UCR administrators have noticed a considerable decline in student attendance and focus. Students are simply not as motivated to go to class once summer daydreams caress sleepy lecture halls. However, UCR administrators are […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:02 am / in April Fools, Editorials

Editorial: Companies bring joy to UCR

In the last week, UCR has made perhaps the single greatest stride forward on the path to greatness in academia in its 60-year history. Although serving the underserved of California and the nation is a laudable goal, and opening the […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:02 am / in April Fools, Highlander Write-Off, Opinions

Pronounce it like the peanut butter

“Hey, did you see that GIF of that cat dunking on Reddit?” “I’m sorry. Did you say ‘gif?’ as in ‘gift?’ Isn’t it pronounced ‘jif?’” Cue the awkward stares. Here at the Highlander office, the editorial board is currently at […]

Read more ›
by / on April 1, 2014 at 6:02 am / in April Fools, Highlander Write-Off, Opinions

Jif is peanut butter, and peanut butter only

“Come see this Jif!” my friend yelled from the other room. Confused as to why exactly I would be interested in seeing a jar of peanut butter, I briskly walked in to see what was so special about this particular […]

Read more ›
Follow

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: