After Scotty was replaced with an actual grizzly bear as a result of the “Freaky Friday” pandemic, it seems only appropriate to provide you with tips on how to stay safe when around the new Scotty.
Let’s start off with what attracts a Grizzly Scotty:
- Intense amounts of school spirit
- The waft of fresh food emanating from the HUB
- A dozen fresh, wild-caught salmon placed in a cooler kept outside
- Peter the Anteater
- Wearing a UCR athletics baseball cap in a goofy fashion, flashing your cell phone back and forth really fast, holding up a plate of Panda Express, wearing a kilt skirt, screeching the Tartan Soul anthem
With all those considered, you’re probably asking, “Well, what do I do if I’m somehow involved with one or more of the above?” I’m glad you asked. These next few tips, listed in an order corresponding to the above, will give you all you need to ease your discomfort:
- Although the whole point of this article is to help you not attract a bear, school spirit is important. Just try your best.
- Buy Scotty lunch. The HUB is expensive and, you know … college budgets. But if you can, even though he is a Grizzly Bear, he’s a nice Grizzly Bear, so give him a chance and get to know him.
- If you plan on having fish tonight, make sure you keep it in the freezer inside the house.
- Show Peter that Tartan Pride and send him back to the grassy savanna.
- Do not — ever, ever — do any of these things and whatever you do: Do not scream like a Highlander!