A surprise visit by Scotty the Bear and Norm the Orange took the empty Senate Chambers by surprise. While no one was present to witness the spectacle, it left the senators in awe of the celebrity visit. On Apr. 1, in the 16.5th ASUCR Senate meeting of the quarter, all senators were present for the meeting, tackling various agenda items, as well as listening to the qualms raised by two campus mascots. The meeting was called to order at 7:03 p.m.

The meeting agenda was approved unanimously by the Senate.

Eyes turned as right before the start of Public Forum, a familiar flash of blue and orange entered the chambers. In entered Scotty the Bear and Norm the Orange, decked out in their University of California, Riverside (UCR) merch, accompanied by a designated speaker (because they are unable to speak). They looked around the chambers, and took a seat near the front.

During the start of the public forum, Scotty and Norm raised their hands, eager to share their findings to the senators. The Executive Vice President called for them to stand before the podium.

As Scotty and Norm remained silent in front of the senators who were present, their designated speaker began to prepare the presentation. Presenting topics of interest such as, the use of mascots in merchandising, the poor wages allotted to Scotty and Norm, who were severely overworked in the last year, and a request to approach the Finance Committee to buy Scotty a new suit — not a new body suit for the person within the Scotty costume, but rather a dapper suit for Scotty to wear to galas and special events.

Due to their appearances in various merchandising, both clothing and advertising, the designated speaker explained that Scotty and Norm both believed they should receive some form of royalties. Over the last 69 years that UCR has operated, Scotty and Norm have not seen a dime of what the University has received in sales of merchandise. In face of this statement, both Scotty and Norm crossed their arms, attempting to look as authoritative as possible.

Next, the speaker brought up the issue of the wages that Scotty and Norm were receiving $15.50. At the time it was the minimum wage, yet nowhere near enough money for them to live in Riverside County. While this in and of itself could have been excusable, Scotty had brought up the qualms of having to work within the Scotty suit. 

“Working during those long hot summer days was insufferable,” the speaker said on behalf of Scotty. “It was a wonder that I did not pass out.” Scotty dramatically fell to the floor, emulating heat exhaustion during Riverside summers.

Because of the work that the two put in for school events, making guest appearances almost every day of the week, they argued for a raise in their wages. They also requested that their complaints be bumped up to administration, so that they can work in more humane conditions without having to worry about their own well-being.

Finally, they wanted to find out if it would be possible for Scotty to put in a request for funding to get a new dapper suit. Their concern was that due to the fact that they do not belong to any student club or organization, they would not qualify for receiving ASUCR funding for their own purposes. However, Scotty had an argument ready for that. During some of his outings out to campus, he had arrived in his dapper suit. But, due to him growing sick gains, his suit soon became too small for him to wear. For him to be able to properly service the UCR student community, he would require a well-fitted suit so that he does not become subject to the jokes of students.

ASUCR was rendered speechless due to the atrocities that the school’s student mascots have faced during their long employment. They vowed that they will reach out to the appropriate sources and ensure that their complaints will be heard. After hearing that, Scotty and Norm made a heart towards the Senate Chamber and returned to their seat, satisfied with their presentation. The speaker followed soon after.

After the pleas presented by the mascots during the Public Forum, the meeting continued as regular. The senators zoomed through New Business, Committee reports, Public Comment, Senator Reports and Roundtable and Announcements, eager to begin work on making sure that the needs of Scotty and Norm would be met.

The meeting adjourned at 7:27 p.m.

This is an April Fools’ publication. This article does not reflect any actual coverage of ASUCR Senate Meetings, it is merely a satire piece meant for entertainment purposes only.