Rising to prominence over the last few years, situationships have taken the modern dating world by storm. First coined in 2017 by Carina Hsieh, a social media influencer, she described situationships as “a hookup with emotional benefits” — a distinct definition from other relationship labels like “friends with benefits” or a “hookup.” Now, with how noncommittal a situationship is, boundaries remain unclear as to whether or not you take your not so special someone out for Valentine’s Day.
Modern dating culture, for lack of better words, seems rather dull and disappointing to me. As a child, I read stories such as “Redwall” and “The Mistmantle Chronicles,” basking in the idea of a romance that is pure-hearted, gentle and built on mutual respect. I wanted love that was not overly dramatic or passionate, but rather sweet and natural, with a foundation lying in deep friendship and shared values. However, I would be sheltered to say that finding an idealistic love such as this is simple in today’s society.
No matter who I meet, and no matter what relationships I bear witness to, I seldom find a bond like the ones in the stories from my childhood. With dating apps and hookup culture becoming more and more common, romance often feels more transactional rather than focusing on an emotional connection. In discussions with my peers, it often seems like there is a checklist of character traits someone must possess before they consider going on a date with them.
This is disappointing to me as I cannot imagine a relationship that is not built on the
foundation of a friendship. While I understand not everyone is looking for a long-term committed relationship, I do not understand why they choose to rush into things without looking for compatibility. This is where situationships begin to look a little tricky to me since these relationships often have an underlying layer of emotional attachment to the other person that is not addressed, often out of fear of making it too serious as a result.
One component that should be prioritized in any relationship — whether it be a friendship, situationship or romantic relationship — is communication. This is the backbone of any healthy relationship, and without communication comes misunderstandings, resentment and emotional build-up. Even hook-ups and friends with benefits can profit from open communication, as it can help prevent unnecessary arguments and resolve conflicts before they escalate.
Something that I personally think should accompany this open communication is the act of courting — the complete opposite of what a situationship is. Courting is about serious commitment, emphasizing old-fashioned values like respect and patience and often having conversations to determine long-term compatibility. While traditional courtship models have a heteropatriarchal lens attached to them, they can be easily adjusted to the modern era. For instance, having close friends and loved ones play a guiding role in the relationship is a practical courtship tradition. But to adapt this practice to modern times, family and friends can provide meaningful advice rather than throwing an iron-clad fist.
Emotions are fragile. It is important to take care not only of your partner’s needs and emotional well-being, but also your own. Courting is one of the best methods to test that push-pull dynamism that people look for in relationships. Taking the time to truly look into someone’s character and values helps minimize the risk of emotional hurt while also providing you the time to consider if this is someone you would want to get into a romantic relationship with.
This is what I think is missing from most situationships. Most people in my life who are in a situationship are seeking that long-term connection, but are too afraid of losing the meager relationship that they have with their person of interest. Clearly, there is safety to be found in the vague and unknown. And just maybe, there might be something thrilling about being in the whole “will they, won’t they?” dynamic.
However, it seems to be crashing and burning during Valentine’s season. The thrill found in stolen moments and deep conversations without the weight of commitment on shoulders now transform into unspoken expectations. The best thing to do for this holiday is to establish boundaries and expectations.
A situationship may be a low-stakes kind of thing from the outside, but it can easily lead to hurt feelings. This Valentine’s, hit up your situationship and ask the horrible, horrible question of “What are we?” Figuring out where you stand in your relationship will lead to deeper introspection for yourself and your relationships. Maybe the other person does not want something long-term and just wants to have fun and you don’t want that type of relationship. Maybe it all works out in the end and the two of you want the same thing. But, you never know until you share your expectations and establish an open line of communication.
