Greetings Mamata,
I had a visceral reaction typing that out, but that’s the only name that you’ll respond to. It is what it is.
First things first: you made it past the age of 18. I still remember the intense distrust we held over anyone that we considered an adult, and while that number may seem all encompassing and terrifying to you right now, I can assure you it’s not as bad as you think it is. You will end up an adult that many others find safe, something that you severely lacked yourself.
The good news is that the Potato Cult never disappeared. A silly friend group name that you came up with in middle school is still held together tightly despite the rough tides. Sure, life scattered everyone across the state like dandelion seeds, but they’re still there. You’ll wake up to Discord calls at 1 a.m., a random text message while you’re learning about feminist literature in class and pick up conversations like no time passed at all. You’ll be the only one that doesn’t return home often, but they understand why and still welcome you with open arms for the one or two days in a year that they see you
The crazy thing is the world doesn’t end when you come out at 14. The crazier thing is that you’ll never actually come out either. People will point fingers and whisper words that you don’t understand, and that’s okay, just keep your head up and keep on wrestling. Things will get awkward as you grow older and you may start being the token queer in school, but it’s better to take it in stride than dwell too long on what it means for your future.
Senior year will be the nightmare you feared after the best summer of your life. You’ll barely turn in college applications in time. None of your friends will be with you. You’re convinced that you’re going to be stuck going to a state school and begin your life as a commuter student. BUT YOU WON’T. You’ll take the gamble and move to the other side of the state and fight to make a change.
When you get to college, doors will open that you’ve never seen before. Sure, the first year sucks, but then you meet someone, just one person, who clicks. You’ll know almost immediately — and despite many setbacks — that you’ll want them in your life for a very long time.
The most important part of this decade is how you grow into yourself. It was messy. It involved many nights of crying and mourning “what could have been.” But one day you’ll realize something that sounded impossible at 12: you’re not just a safe adult, you became the adult you were always scanning rooms for. You get the chance to make small real changes, and you create the spaces you wish existed for yourself.
You’re not just saving yourself, you’re finding a purpose you couldn’t even imagine before. As long as you help at least one person or lend an ear out every day, you’ll find that life can feel so much fuller and brighter. Take care of yourself, kid.
Sincerely,
Mata
