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The key to getting wonderful grades isn’t as mysterious as people think. People study for hours on end trying to absorb an exorbitant amount of knowledge into their brains and it usually never goes well. Those poor souls have been doing it all wrong for years. But rest assured, today is the day I reveal the method to the madness behind straight A’s and a life of academic excellence.

Cramming for the win.

Cramming is awesome because it allows you to condense material into bite-sized chunks of knowledge that make it easier for your brain to process. Our brains aren’t meant to be gluttonous things that can take large chunks of material at once. With that being said, it’s important that one never studies days before an exam. Everyone that does that never ends up thriving anyway. By the time a test comes their brains are so fried they become destitute on the day of the exam. Not to mention, people that stay up and study for endless hours end up getting eye bags too. So save yourself the physical and mental deterioration by hoarding up on sleep and studying the day of the exam.

When in doubt, cheat it out.

Yes, the university abhors cheating and designates stringent consequences for those who do so. But, that is merely a guise to test the finesse capabilities of a student. Getting caught cheating on a test just means you aren’t ready to play for the big leagues. It’s a skill you should have already acquired in high school. College is where those skills must be applied in the most meticulous way possible. When you have absolutely no hope left, tap into the inner demon inside and let that head fall to a slight left degree to see your neighbor’s answers. Any guilt you’ll feel will wash away when you receive a solid grade. People only frown upon cheating because they have no clue how to get away with it. Not everyone is in a position to understand that certain shortcuts are necessary to advance to the next stage of life. So act natural, never gaze into the eyes of any proctor or TA and maintain a confused grimace for the entirety of the test. You’ll find that cheating becomes a whole lot easier.

Drop out.

College isn’t for everyone and it’s not a panacea to a better tomorrow. It’s a solid way to ground yourself to the corporate realm, but foregoing college isn’t the end of the world. If you find that studying and test taking simply isn’t for you than perhaps it’s best to drop out and pursue other ventures. The world is always in need of a good plug to facilitate drugs or strippers to occupy clubs. The world is full of a plethora of opportunities and every possible avenue should be explored. Don’t let anyone coerce you into staying in an institution that isn’t bringing you an ounce of happiness or pride.

Getting great grades isn’t a puzzle or a riddle. There’s always a shortcut that enables people to achieve something with minimalistic effort. Being noble is fine and dandy but it’s not always going to get you to the top. These methods might not be socially acceptable to some, but their success rates are definitely high. All you need to do is dare to be different and revel in risk taking.


Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Highlander’s annual April Fool’s issue and it’s contents are not to be taken seriously whatsoever. But do have a good laugh.