California prisons plan almost to double the exorbitant wages they pay to working prisoners. This after constant whining by progressives about prison labor. There are some objections to forcing bloodthirsty, barbaric criminals to work. This sets a dangerous precedent that may call attention to other totally legit practices like wage theft because that doesn’t even happen.
This is America, and the American Dream is built on hard work. These prisoners will never achieve that, but that’s not the point, even though it was brought up in the previous sentence.
Ben Dover, an unemployed bum living on his parent’s couch, spoke to The Highlander, stating, “This is simply out of the question. Now people will be saying that these criminals and low-lives have the right to vote or something!” Criminals automatically stop being humans when they are arrested; everyone knows that.
Government officials are, for once, being reasonable as they fight this pointless and extravagant wage hike. In an interview, a highly placed anonymous source inside the Sacramento statehouse asked The Highlander, “Is $1 not a living wage?” Raising wages will create an unfair burden on taxpayers when these people don’t need money or anything. It’s not like anyone expects them to leave and make a life for themselves.
Clearly, there are better things that California tax dollars could be spent on than malicious and barbaric sub-humans. In a post on X, the social media company formerly known as Twitter, user @jabbathehutt999 stated: “Increasing taxpayer dollars to pay prisoners more for their labor is a waste of money when we could just use it to bomb another country of innocent civilians #bushhaditright.”
Those who are crying out that prison labor amounts to modern-day slavery are missing a very important point: slavery is illegal, and when something is illegal, the U.S. government, which has famously never violated civil rights, would never do it.
In a statement by a scholar of U.S. history, Dr. Slai Vary, wildly dramatic assertions by abolitionists were succinctly brought down. Dr. Vary stated, “How is this slavery? We’re just not paying them for doing work we need them to do and wouldn’t make any other human do!” These activists are just starting drama. A vampire who was present during the French Revolution, V. Esclavage, recently spoke at a protest and stated, “I miss it when we could just behead people when they got mouthy.”
When speaking with prisoners, they clarified for the press and the public that they were doing just fine. One incarcerated worker stated, “It’s better than an unpaid internship.”
*This is a satirical piece and is not intended to communicate any true or factual information about the writer’s opinion except through humor and/or exaggeration. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof of such persons and is not intended to communicate any true or factual information about that person.
