In a shocking turn of events, the United States government has officially declared that the country is entering a full-blown recession. In an emergency press conference, Federal Financial Advisor Broke Bill, adorned with a clown wig that can rival Marge Simpson’s updo and a rubber horn that strikes fear into the pockets of many, confirmed the news.
“The economy is in freefall. The recession is definitely real. Just in case, you should probably cash out your entire 401(k) and give it to your local congressperson so they can keep it safe for you,” Bill advised. “Stocks are tanking, the dollar is plummeting and eggs will be sold individually, a dollar per gram.”
The federal Department of Treasury went out of their way to graciously notify the public about the temporary recession. In a statement they released, they sympathized with Americans all over, and state, “We understand that seeing the value of the dollar evaporate in mere hours may seem alarming. But we assure you that we will be doing everything in our power to reassert the value of the good old American dollar. The economy will bounce back faster and better than before. Like a rubber ball on steroids.”
Meanwhile major companies quake in fear of the sudden financial collapse. Amazon instated a mandatory insurance policy with their Prime membership, refusing to offer their services to anyone who cannot guarantee their $100 monthly subscription. Apple bought out mobile competitor Samsung as the chaebol Lee family feared losing their American customers. Now the mobile company only offers their services after confirming the customer can afford a mortgage.
Now, to weather this financial catastrophe, there are a few things to be done to ensure survival. The most qualified of individuals at the Highlander Newspaper got together to assemble a guide for navigating this horrible economic doom.
As the nation gets overtaken by the recession, there will be a handful of home goods that will become impossible to find, yet essential for survival. A pattern that has been clearly characterized by the lack of toilet paper during the Coronavirus epidemic. Beat the rush and get these home essentials before it is too late.
While it is unfortunate, toilet paper will once again be widely sought after by the American public. This time around, expect it to become a form of currency. Economists predict people will be trading toilet paper on the streets in order to get other essential goods, so be sure to convert your savings to the finest of toilet paper brands in order to get the best bang for your buck.
Even the rich will be missing out on gourmet meals. Staples like rice, potatoes and vegetables will not be seen for years to come. The go-to meal of the new recession economy will be instant ramen. The value of packets will range from Maruchan to Shin Ramen, with the wealthy hoarding the best of the best in hopes of recreating their once extravagant meals.
Finally, in order to make up for the recession, many in society will be put to work overtime. With energy drinks out of the equation, the only thing people can take to stay awake will be coffee. Caffeine addicts will be struck hard by the dwindling coffee supply, a causal example of tragedy of the commons. Protect your espresso machines as you would protect your loved ones.
While preparing for this economic crisis, make sure to keep track of what economists are saying in regards to the cause of the recession. As of now, they are conducting a deep-dive investigation into the Elon Musk Currency Conversion Project, which they speculate is the origin of the recession. After being named head of the Department of Governmental Efficiency (DOGE) and receiving unilateral power from the government, Elon Musk, in fear of his own dwindling stocks due to lack of liberals investing in his green cars, started a new initiative to regain his wealth.
Behind the scenes of the government, reports have been made that Musk was seen producing Non-Fungible Tokens (NFTs), some of their values higher than the gross domestic product of small nations, in order to bolster his own finances. In another report, he was seen increasing inflation by printing more money and rendering the value of the American dollar obsolete.
The most disturbing instance of all is when he created DOGEcoin, a solution to end the recession. However, he got marked for copyright for using the name of the original meme hero, Doge, in bad faith. This obstacle led the project to end before it ever truly began.
When these claims were brought forward to Musk, he was heard assuring himself, “At least I am still a billionaire. Who cares what happens to everyone else. I will do what I must to get out on top.”
Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Highlander’s annual April Fool’s issue and its contents are not to be taken seriously whatsoever. But do have a good laugh.
