In a bold act of rebellion against centuries of polite self-erasure, I have decided to aspire to the most dangerous thing a woman can be: selfish. Not villainous, not cruel, just inconveniently centered in her own life.
I always want to say “no” and stop immediately, but usually I say, “I’m so sorry, I feel so bad, I wish I could, maybe another time, please don’t hate me, I swear I’m a good person.” I shouldn’t treat declining plans like I ruined the vibes and betrayed the group chat.
I also want to rest without acting like I need to justify it in court. “Your honor, the defendant is tired because she … existed all day.” I want to lie down without narrating my productivity. I don’t need to earn rest. I am not a malfunctioning machine held together by caffeine and obligation, blinking twice and saying, “I can keep going,” when I very clearly cannot.
I want to take up space in conversations. Finish my sentences. Speak without softening every opinion so it doesn’t bruise anyone’s fragile ego. Not laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. Not say “it’s fine” when it is, in fact, not fine. I want to stop being the emotional support human for every mildly distressed person within a five-mile radius.
Men get to be the main character in their own lives by default. They’re not “selfish,” they’re “focused.” They’re not “bossy,” they’re “confident.” They’re not “dramatic,” they’re “assertive.” Meanwhile, women ask permission to exist loudly, then apologize for the noise. I would like to unsubscribe from that package of guilt.
I want to leave parties early. I want to not text back immediately. I want to choose myself without feeling like I just failed a moral exam. I want to be gentle with myself the way I’m gentle with everyone else.
So yes, I aspire to be a selfish woman. One who eats her own fries, guards her peace and centers her joy. One who realizes that constantly being “nice” is not the same as being kind, and self-sacrifice is not a personality trait.
Call it selfish. I call it finally being the main character instead of the emotionally exhausted side character.
Because I aspire to be a selfish woman.
