Aries (March 21–April 19): Ice hockey
This morning you woke up ready to commit violence. Take that energy and channel it into legally body-checking strangers instead of rage baiting people online.Those minor inconveniences in your life are not sudden-death overtime face-offs.
Taurus (April 20–May 20): Curling
Your theme this week is … trying. You will move like three inches today and for the sake of your sanity, you need to consider it productive. If someone attempts to rush you, stand your ground, don’t accelerate.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): Figure skating
On the ice your performance will be emotionally and aesthetically beautiful — until you fall flat on your face attempting a triple axle. Embrace the fall, it’s part of your routine. The drama was not an accident, it was highly intentional.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Figure skating (but pairs this time)
Don’t let that one person you’re still hung up on influence your every mood. Those emotional, eye-catching lifts can’t be done without a spotter. Sometimes you need to take a step back and cry or begin your solo career out on the ice.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Halfpipe – Snowboarding
No one saw that sick flip you did on the pipe. The applause may be insufficient for your efforts, but it’s important to remember who you’re really doing all this for — yourself.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Biathlon
Enough about the time crunches. You keep trying to optimize something that does not need optimizing, specifically the people around you. Take a deep breath and a step back before you center your aim.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Ice dancing
Stop playing that imaginary conversation back in your head. You will choreograph an entire emotional performance before you even dare to have an honest conversation. Your steps might be elegant, your smile shining, but you’re not being true to yourself.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): Luge
You are hurtling at a dangerous speed towards something you refuse to explain to anyone. Your heart has locked up your desires and the end is near. It might be too late for you to brake now, but it’s better than crashing headfirst.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Ski jumping
It’s all about the cheap thrills! You saw a perfectly good challenge today and decided to throw yourself at it. This week you will commit to something huge with zero follow-up beyond general vibes.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Bobsleigh
Your team is built and you have assumed leadership over the project. Now it’s time to push everyone towards success whether they like it or not. If someone complains, well, the only thing you can do is go faster.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Skeleton
Clearly you have no regard for your own life or safety. You slide face-first into trouble and strongly proclaim it’s rational because you did your research. Everyone else is concerned for you.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): Freestyle skiing
Life is fueled by dreams, delusions and that one emotionally devastating song that you’ve had on repeat. There’s no telling how your story will land, but the end goal is to romanticize it and inspire the next generation.
