Courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Three students were held at gunpoint by two pirates at the mouth of the Colorado River at 11:30 p.m. on March 26. Out for a refreshing moonlit swim to the C, the students had nowhere to hide their booty and felt that they were “at the mercy of the pirates who were lurking nearby.”

Ron Chee, a first-year swag studies major who was present, called the police at around 11:35 p.m. and Captain John Freese arrived soon after. Chee claimed that he and his friends were “defenseless to the armed thieves who were in pursuit of the students and their possessions.” Unfortunately, these alleged thieves were “mostly below water, and only their hair and water pistols could be seen.” The two suspects were described by the victims as having blonde hair and black hair.

Upon sighting the suspects, Freese pulled out his machete, which instantly scared the water pistol-toting thieves. Swimming away in fear, the pair failed to notice a school of piranhas from the Child Development Center. While the pirates were devoured alive, Freese took a statement from the students, who did not suffer any injuries. He later cautioned students via Sea-mail “to hide their treasure in discreet locations and to sail in groups by night.” It is still unclear what the alleged pirates’ motives were.