Scandal! Intrigue! Bagels! Aliens! All this and more from ya friendly ghost gurl here at UC Riverside. Yes, corporeal humans, I have the inside scoop on all the comings and goings on campus. Plus, I can read minds a little so keep thinking those disgusting thoughts about your art history professor! These thoughts are just fodder for this amazing gossip column.
Before I delve into juicy gossip, let me take a second to introduce myself. Y’all may remember me from my last outing, where I tried to swim to the C but was suffocated by a terrifying sea monster. Lol! Rad times. Anyway, because my death was so tragic and my life was so filled with thwarted dreams and unfulfilled love, I was unable to find spiritual rest and was forced to become a ghost, roaming the halls of UCR in vain search of fulfillment.
*Shrug emoji* What can ya do?
Anyway, so back to y’all, the UCR student body population. Am I jealous of you for having bodies, while I am forced to float around? You bet! So, sometimes, I use my powers to make sure you accidentally send lewd Snapchats to your conservative uncle. It’s pretty fun! I’m also in charge of making sure that you accidentally heart a two-year-old Instagram picture of your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. Did someone post an incredibly embarrassing Facebook status for you while you were in the bathroom? Me. I helped make it happen. The Internet is actually very easy to control via mind powers — especially apps. How do you think Steve Jobs is still running Apple?
However, my hijinks do not even come close to yours, UCR students. I have seen some weird stuff as your friendly campus ghost. Like, the tiny freshman girl who stuffs eight dining hall bagels into her purse every morning and eats them throughout the day. Girl, what are you trying to do? You’re gonna die soon. Or, the sophomore boy who sleeps in the second floor bathroom stall of the Rivera library.
This is not even to mention all of the hook-ups occurring. You guys make poor decisions! I don’t want to sound old, but y’all think your lives are so long that you can just make out with that guy in your hall who secretly owns like, five turtles, but let me tell you that life is short! You never know when a giant octopus will squish you to death.
And, what about the secret scandalous secrets of the UCR administration? Well, let me tell you that I have observed the chancellor and the other leadership and I cannot read a single one of their thoughts. They perform their work with robotic alacrity. This humble ghost’s opinion? They’re simply inhuman aliens from another planet, sent here to slowly take over humanity. Just my wacky thought!
That’s it for this edition of Gossip Ghost. In closing, I’d like to remind you that the term “ghosting” is offensive to the ghost community! “Ghosting” is your decision to ignore the person you met on Tinder and went on a frozen yogurt date with and then they made it clear that they liked Donald Trump in a sincere way so you were like “yikes.” This should be called “humaning.” Because only humans do such such shitty things. Please stop appropriating ghost culture to fit your crappy dating agenda.
Stick around next time, when I tell you about the other ghosts on campus! Some of them are super scary. Did you know that, like, there used to be a serial killer on campus?
Stay alive, y’all.