It’s week six, and with midterms in full swing it can be hard to keep track of much else with all those late night studying sessions. Especially when you miss an exam review because you thought it was being held on Thursday when the TA moved it Wednesday at the last minute, but I rest my case. Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and if you don’t plan on spending the 14th drowning out your sorrows by watching “Made in Abyss” alone in your apartment instead of studying for your religious studies exam the next day, that means you have a valentine.
And I know you’re probably a great, upstanding citizen that studied for all your midterms and planned for Valentine’s Day months in advance, but on the off chance that you forgot what year we were in, you’re probably sitting on a bench, reading this paper you found in a trash can by Bourns in hopes that this article helps you find a quick gift like its title suggests. Well, not to worry, the Highlander’s resident weeb is also something of a romantic and together we’ll find a gift that doesn’t leave you broke for the rest school year.
The important thing to remember is that when you’re buying a gift for a guy, girl or non-binary, is that the gift itself doesn’t matter. Despite what the extremely reliable and totally not unrealistic Buzzfeed leads you to believe, Valentine’s Day isn’t about getting some crazy $30 pair of USB heated slippers (yes that is an actual suggestion from Buzzfeed and no, I don’t know why either), it’s about showing the person you care about that you’re willing to spend time, money and effort on them. So with that being said, let’s discuss what last minute gift you’re gonna give them when you go on that date you spent zero time planning.
For those of you that don’t have any extra money to spend on a gift, it’s okay, it happens to everybody, and as mentioned earlier it’s the thought the counts. Just cross your fingers and hope the thought is enough to convince her not to leave you for your richer, more attractive friend that has a car. But seriously, there are actually a lot of really sweet and romantic things you can do even if you don’t have any money to throw around. One really nice idea is a picnic. Make some sandwiches, some iced tea, maybe some kind of fruit salad and take them to a park; hell if that’s too far take them to the Botanical Gardens on campus.
Another thing you can do is channel your inner CHASS student and make them something artsy, whether it’s a card, a painting or some kind of little knick knack they can put on their desk. Art stores like Michael’s and Jo-Ann’s, and even non-art stores like Wal-Mart have some good arts and crafts supplies for a reasonable price. Also stuffed animals are always cute, if you don’t know their favorite animal ask a friend of theirs.
Being perfectly honest, there’s a lot of stuff you can buy for $25; a lot of electronic accessories like earphones or phone cases are around this price. Amazon is your best friend, since shipping is free on items that are $25 or more with Amazon Prime, which you get a free 1-year trial and a membership discount for as a student. This is also how much a bouquet of roses will end up costing you. Your choice here will have to be determined by your valentine’s interests and things they specifically might want or need.
Honestly if you have this much money, one of the best things you can do is take them to a really nice restaurant for a sit-down dinner. It makes for a good date, and you can probably even afford to take them to a movie afterwards. A small piece of jewelry like earrings or a necklace is also a possibility if you can find it on sale at a mall or something. That being said, $50 is also enough to buy 200 Chicken McNuggets at McDonald’s. So you can take them to some overpriced place, buy them some metal that was pulled out of the ground or you can buy them 200 delicious morsels of all-white meat with eight different dipping sauces. I think we both know what the best course of action is.
Buy them an Elon Musk flamethrower. Seriously, do it. It doesn’t matter if they’re sold out already, it doesn’t matter if you have to find it on the black market. If you have $500 at your disposal it is your obligation as a member of the human race to buy a totally unnecessary fire launching device with a range of 25 feet and a fuel backpack filled with 3.5 minutes of dead dinosaur juice (Editor’s Note: Flamethrowers with a range of 10 feet or more, such as those sold by Musk, are illegal in the state of California, so we recommend you call your congressman first if you’re going with this option). You see, most people wouldn’t get their valentine a flamethrower, but that’s what’s gonna set you apart. Show them that you’re different from all the others, and buy them something they’ll never forget.