Local billionaire announces plans to drain UCR, create libertarian utopia

Courtesy of 2k Games
Courtesy of 2k Games

Last Friday, billionaire and UCR alumnus Andrew Ryan announced plans to drain the campus and create a libertarian utopia, where state funding would be culled and UCR could exist as a “free market bubble where capitalism is king.”

Delivering his presentation from the diving bell at the base of the Bell Tower, Ryan outlined “Project Rapture,” which aims to transfer campus ownership from the state to himself by fall 2022. Wearing a retro pinstripe suit and holding a copy of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged,” Ryan began his speech by asking, “Are not the students of UC Riverside entitled to the sweat of their own brow? No, says ASUCR, we must use it to buy life vests for freshmen.”

With a flourish, he unfurled a banner, showing his proposed modifications to UCR, which includes removal of the canals between classrooms in favor of “sidewalks,” and a refurbishing of the buildings to match what he called “art-deco style.”

While the cost of draining and remodeling of the campus is projected to cost tens of billions of dollars, Ryan has stated that he “is willing to put forth money (from his) own fortune to see (his) dream come to life.” The UC Board of Regents has pledged their support for the project already, stating that “support for ‘Project Rapture’ will allow cultivation of bright young minds and profits beyond the dreams of avarice.”

The proposal includes abolishment of mandatory tuition, with professors instead charging students the market price for the service of attending lectures. In return, students could choose which professors to support financially in return for higher grades and better lectures.

Several members of the UCR Genomics lab also came out to announce their breakthrough in a genetic  substance they have chosen to call “Adam.” Harvested from the sea slugs that live around campus, “Adam,” the researchers claim, would be able to increase the mental and physical ability of UCR students.

As part of this program, Ryan proposed refurbishing the diving suits used by the groundskeepers and custodians around campus for use by the UCPD as part of his “Big Daddy” program, intended to enhance school security. Scientists hope to begin human trials as soon as campus ownership moves from the state to Ryan.

The presentation ended with raucous applause to those in attendance, and a survey of attendees, which included several professors and students, showed strong support for Ryan’s proposal. While ironing out the details with Chancellor Kim Wilcox will likely take time, Ryan hopes to begin drainage shortly after his acquisition of UCR. He has since taken to passing out fliers informing students of the coming renovations, emblazoned with the words “Would you kindly support ‘Project Rapture?’”

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