UC president sticks with tuition hike, threatens to release Kraken

Vincent Ta/HIGHLANDER
Vincent Ta/HIGHLANDER

UC President Janet Napolitano announced she will stick by her plan to increase student tuition, and has threatened to release the Kraken to enforce her new policy.

“This school system needs to know two essential facts: that this tuition hike is the most realistic plan for keeping the UC system funded, and that I possess a legendary sea creature to back me up,” said Napolitano.

The former Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security and owner of the Norse terror of the ocean met with the UC Board of Regents back in November to discuss future funding for the UC system.

At the Regents meeting, Napolitano spoke to Gov. Jerry Brown, asking him to provide $220 million for the UC system. Brown only proposed $120 million, contingent on Napolitano keeping UC tuition flat. She refused Brown’s proposal, and the Regents voted to increase UC tuition by up to 5 percent for next fall.

When asked how much of the money would go to fund the 10-campus, state-run school system and how much would feed her mythical pet of ancient verse, Napolitano gave no comment.

Napolitano was recently caught in hot water at the latest UC Board of Regents meeting, where dozens of UC students took their shirts off and wrote “student debt” on their bodies to protest the proposed tuition hike. Napolitano was attempting to speak to Chairman Bruce Varner when she was caught on mic saying, “Let’s go. We don’t have listen to this crap.”

Realizing that this all could have been settled had she brought the Kraken to the Regents meeting to put an end to the protest in a matter of seconds, Napolitano was quick to put out an apology for her words.

“I ask for empathy and understanding,” reaffirmed Napolitano. “I’m sorry for a word I usually don’t use.”

“However,” said the holder of the tentacled beast, “this 5 percent tuition hike is still going into effect. I will not apologize for doing what’s best for all UC students, and I’m not below unleashing the Kraken to hold this plan together.”

Most students around the UC school system were vehemently opposed to Napolitano’s policy.

“I don’t at all agree with this plan,” said Adam Smith, a fourth-year economics major at UC Riverside. “Does she really think any positivity is going to come out of forcing students to pay thousands of dollars more for their priceless educations? Not to mention the fact that she’s keeping us all in line with a 50-foot tall sea monster.”

“I say it’s an abuse of power on Napolitano’s part,” said Jasmine Allen, a second-year underwater basket weaving major. “Just because Forbes magazine declared her the eighth-most powerful woman back in 2013 doesn’t mean that she has the right to rob us of our money, and do it with a biological weapon of mass destruction pointing at our faces.” Further comment could not be obtained from Allen, who was last seen in the mouth of the Kraken.

However, there are a few who believe Napolitano is doing the right thing.

“I for one am greatly in favor of the hikes,” said neuroscience graduate student Steven Skorheim. “It’s the only possible way to resolve terrible UCR boat docking conditions. After the hikes go into effect, the students won’t be able to afford vehicles.”

“I see no ethical wrongdoing here,” said liberal arts professor John Jabberwock. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with Janet Napolitano asking students to put themselves into even more horrifying debt. If Jerry Brown won’t let the state give more money to state-run schools, then somebody’s got to do it.”

“Plus,” he added, “In Alfred Tennyson’s sonnet ‘The Kraken,’ it is written ‘There hath he lain for ages, and will lie / Battening upon huge seaworms in his sleep.’ If Napolitano’s pet is busy doing battle with giant seaworms, do you honestly think it’s got time for this petty nonsense? Please, let’s not waste its time.”

Napolitano promised students that she doesn’t wish for them to fear her “for whatever reasons.”

“Look — I know this isn’t a pretty situation,” she said. “I know that I work with several superiors in the UC system who hold the ability to financially ruin your adult lives forever, and I also know that I possess a power far greater than all the world’s navies combined, but we really have to be rational about this issue. If we put aside our fears, I know we can work together on this.”

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