Welcome back, cry babies! As we near finals week, crying on campus becomes a much more common occurrence. The 8:00 a.m. sob sesh in Lot 30 while you are skipping class or in the back of that lecture you really hate hits different when you don’t understand anything that is being tested for on the exam next week. If you are ever caught in a crisis on campus, stay away from the following nightmare tear zones.
Student Success Center (SSC)
Despite the weird height of the chairs and the freezing temperatures, the SSC is a mostly enjoyable building to have class in. However, the echoey environment and bright lights that shine on you like you are about to be operated on create a hostile, cold environment. Your tears are not welcome here. In fact, if a University of California Riverside employee sees you crying in the SSC, they have been instructed to put a potato sack over your head because it is bad for press. The extreme lack of privacy due to the all-glass walls in this building and the absence of divisions between study spaces make this sterile field quite simply the worst place on campus to have an emotional breakdown. Everyone will point, stare and snicker as you sob and shiver into your chemistry textbook in the see-through SSC study room.
Starbucks
If supporting the genocide of Palestinians and hating unions is not enough to dissuade you from entering the hallowed halls of Starbucks, I do not know what will. Not only should you avoid this building like the plague because Starbucks is an evil megacorp, but also, their coffee sucks, and I hate their dirty chai. I make a better one with a French press and store-bought chai mix from Trader Joe’s (that should say a lot about the quality of their coffee); anyway, I am rambling. If you have ever entered the on-campus Starbucks located in the Market at Glen Mor, you know the sound in this building echoes. If you shed a single tear or wail even the slightest, everyone studying at the tables is going to look up from their phones and stare into your soul, causing you to inconsolably combust into a ball onto the floor. Now after crying in a Starbucks, you have to transfer universities out of embarrassment. But once you get to your fancy new school, a video of you having an emotional breakdown spreads across campus, and you are now hiding in the woods, afraid to return to polite society. Have fun being one with the trees out in Appalachia, I hope that a bad latte to soothe your sadness was worth a future of isolation from everyone you love.
The Highlander Union Building (HUB)
Crying in the HUB is literally the worst thing that can happen to you; if you are ever sad, and in the HUB, literally leave and hide somewhere else. Just don’t hide in the HUB bathrooms cause everyone is going to be able to hear you sobbing in those Wi-Fi-less prison-esque bathroom stalls. Picture this: you are having an amazing day, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, then all of the sudden, out of the blue, while you are waiting in the seven-hour line for Panda Express, you get a canvas notification. The essay you submitted during week three was finally graded; blood, sweat and tears went into this paper. Misguidedly excited to see your score, you press the glowing red and white canvas button only to find out you got the lowest grade in the class. A gasp escapes your mouth as tears well into your eyes, everyone in line for Panda Express knows that your mom was right to be disappointed in your academic performance. Sobbing as the employees scoop the saddest helping of the ends of the empty chow mein tray right before they bring in a fresh one (you got the worst batch of noodles), with the entire UCR campus witnessing your mental breakdown during their lunch, you are simply contemplating your existence in this life. Look inside and ask yourself if you want to be the girl crying into her chow mein in front of the entire campus. You can do better. Have some dignity, emotional outbursts should be reserved for dark corners of the library.
Sproul Hall
If you have ever had a class in Sproul, you know that building is literally a maze. It is impossible to successfully walk through the right door, into the correct building or up the right staircase the first time and find your class on time, no matter how many times you visit. While sporadically searching for the 7:00 a.m. discussion you immediately regretted registering for, try to contain your tears. It is only a matter of time before a few slip out, and then you are sitting in the corner, sobbing into your knees like a lost child. Of course, while you are having the little outburst, not only does your TA witness this shame spiral as he walks over to begin class, but seven different members of this 12-person discussion see you embarrassing yourself before class. After crying in the hallway, you must collect yourself to enter a room full of strangers who just bore witness to your life’s lowest moment. Life is never the same again, it’s too late to drop the class, so now you have no choice but to ditch every single discussion for the rest of the quarter, and the lecture, too. Attendance and participation are 50% of the grade, so when you fail the class, the realization will come that this may not have been the best course of action. However, the damage is done, you are a pariah and are never allowed to return, or they will burn you like a witch for the crime of, dun dun dun, public displays of emotion. Now you failed a mandatory degree requirement and have flunked out of college, and the job market is tough right now, so happy searching!
Happy crying campers! I hope you stay clear of these sterile, anxiety-inducing environments when you are in crisis. If you are interested in the best places to cry, check out part one of this series, Scotty sponsored sob sesh.
