Brandy Coats/HIGHLANDER
Brandy Coats/HIGHLANDER

The Sun is not my friend.

I have seen Its face, and it is not a kind face. Did you know that “Teletubbies” was actually a documentary? The face that appears to be that of a baby is really the face of the evil Sun God. It is not my friend.

People have attempted to decode Beatles songs like “Revolution 9,” or “Helter Skelter,” before, but has anyone ever bothered looking at the ominous “Here Comes The Sun,” or “Sun King?” “Here comes, the Sun King,” and “Here comes the Sun / Here comes the Sun / And I say it’s alright” is some of the most obvious propaganda I’ve ever seen in mainstream culture.

The Sun should not be your friend. It is evil.

I should be thankful that our haven here at UCR is filled with water and clouds — I don’t know what students of the past did with the hungry eyes of an evil god masquerading as a newborn staring down upon them as they walked instead of swam from class to class. You need more evidence that propaganda is being forced upon us? Look no further than the 1983 hit “Walking on Sunshine,” by Katrina and the Waves. They even tried to fool us by having something water-related in their name. How, though, can one possibly walk on sunshine, and how could it possibly feel good? If you can walk at 299792458 meters per second, please inform me how this is possible. Walking on sunshine would instantaneously evaporate you — you are 60 percent water, you know (all hail King Neptune, Water King).

The Sun is coming, run for your life!

Beware the most subversive artist of today, Colbie Caillat. In her song, “Brighter Than The Sun,” she sings, “Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart / It goes off like a gun, brighter than the Sun / Oh, we could be the stars, falling from the sky / Shining how we want, brighter than the Sun.” Encouraging us to be brighter than the Sun, when it is already decimating our minds and hearts blindly with its light and heat? No thank you, Colbie, your blasphemy can’t fool me.

Die, malignant ball of gas.

People think that Howie, the weirdo brother that was scared of the sun in the movie “Benchwarmers,” was supposed to be funny, when in reality, it was a last gasp attempt by the filmmakers to save us from the evil god of Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po. The antenna on top of their heads have been brainwashing you this entire time, and the Sun is about to return.

Run, run from the Sun. Don’t let its innocent giggles trap you. Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the light; tell Po and the rest of the tubbies good night.