In an appalling revelation, multiple sources have confirmed that an unidentified member of the UC Riverside men’s basketball team did not go to bed hungry last Thursday, March 24 but rather fell asleep “very full.”
“We were just sitting there in the dorms, watching a movie and his stomach didn’t growl once. Not once,” exclaimed the subject’s girlfriend. “It was the strangest thing. He just walked around the hall after practice looking all normal and satisfied. We’ve never seen him like that,” attested a group of his hallmates. Exactly what, when and where the athlete ate has yet to be confirmed, but the group suggests he likely bought food from an outside source, using cash to avoid leaving a trace.
Immediately following the report, the National Collegiate Athletics Association (NCAA) began looking into the matter in search of any potential wrongdoing. “This type of occurrence is unprecedented,” stated NCAA Principal Research Scientist Tom Paskus. “We want to ensure that his food consumption was done fairly and proportionately and does not conflict with NCAA regulations.” If the athlete did indeed follow protocol the development bodes well for the NCAA, an association which has been widely scrutinized for its lack of food provisions for its athletes.
With the investigation still ongoing, the NCAA has enforced that every team indefinitely suspend any similarly non-hungry athletes, yet so far, each team has managed to keep their full rosters intact.