Obama to deliver graduation speech at UCR, ditches UCI

Vincent Ta & Cameron Yong/HIGHLANDER
Vincent Ta & Cameron Yong/HIGHLANDER

In a press conference on Monday, President Barack Obama announced that he would be moving the location of his 2014 commencement speech from UC Irvine to UC Riverside. The commencement speech was originally intended for UC Irvine to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the university, along with honoring the “accomplishments” and “diversity” of its students and class.

“To be, uh, completely honest, I believe that this commencement speech can be inspirational for the world. And I, uh, just don’t believe that UC Irvine suits my message,” explained Obama. “The point is, Joe and I wanted to indulge in some bodacious activities after the ceremony if you know what I mean, and well … UC Irvine is known for being sober and boring.”

Obama is also aware of the notoriously filthy conditions of UCR’s Orbach Science Library during finals. During his commencement speech, Obama is said to emphasize the dire need for all students to have an adequate healthcare plan. According to the president, the library “needs a package of Obamacare.”

Additionally, Obama’s visit to UCR was planned to resolve the cancellation of the 2014 Heat Music Festival. “I, uh, haven’t seen something that unrighteous and downright irresponsible since those Republicans shut down our government,” Obama commented, adding that he was  outraged at not being able to see Childish Gambino, a rapper that he can “relate to.”

UC Irvine’s Chancellor Michael Drake harshly criticized Obama’s flip-flopping decision, saying that the “efforts of the students, which include sending 10,000 postcards begging the president to speak at the ceremony, have been in vain.” The entire UC Irvine undergraduate class had even voted to change the school’s mascot, the Anteater, to the Toyota Prius, simply to woo the President who is known to be a strong supporter of green energy.

When asked about UC Irvine’s disapproval of his decision, Obama shrugged it off, saying, “that’s the beautiful thing about America — we have the freedom and liberty to choose who we party with. I have the choice and autonomy to party with Schoolboy Q instead of computer science majors.” According to Obama, one of the major reasons that caused him to change his mind was the fact that “UCR keeps it real.”

“UC Irvine doesn’t, uh, have the same kind of diversity that UCR has. UCR has diverse racial groups, but more importantly, it has diverse interests,” Obama said about the Orange County campus, which has too many “nerds,” or in other words, pre-medical school students and computer science majors.

“In a competitive day and age where humanities majors are being hunted and rooted out like baby elephants, it’s nice to see that UCR’s CHASS majors somewhat know what they’re doing,” said the president. UC Riverside’s graduation ceremonies will occur from June 13-16.

 

Facebook Comments