Hay fever, Lyme disease and the resurgence of West Nile are all things to watch out for with the recent arrival of spring. A zombie pandemic can’t be too far out of the realm of illness possibilities, and it doesn’t hurt to be prepared for disaster, right? Right. Now, if you’re thinking of compiling a list of safe places on campus where you might take shelter on Z-Day, here’s a piece of advice: Don’t. A college campus with limited shelter and supplies and a student population of over 20,000 is the ideal location for a zombie feeding trough/incubation tank. It is definitely not a safe haven for living humans. But nobody knows exactly when the plague will strike—chances are you’ll be stuck on campus when the undead rise up. This doesn’t change the fact that the campus is still one of the worst possible places to be during a zombie attack, but here’s a helpful list of places to definitely avoid when running for your life.Hay fever, Lyme disease and the resurgence of West Nile are all things to watch out for with the recent arrival of spring. A zombie pandemic can’t be too far out of the realm of illness possibilities, and it doesn’t hurt to be prepared for disaster, right? Right. Now, if you’re thinking of compiling a list of safe places on campus where you might take shelter on Z-Day, here’s a piece of advice: Don’t. A college campus with limited shelter and supplies and a student population of over 20,000 is the ideal location for a zombie feeding trough/incubation tank. It is definitely not a safe haven for living humans. But nobody knows exactly when the plague will strike—chances are you’ll be stuck on campus when the undead rise up. This doesn’t change the fact that the campus is still one of the worst possible places to be during a zombie attack, but here’s a helpful list of places to definitely avoid when running for your life.
Campus Health Center
Already one the most inconveniently located buildings on campus, the health center is the absolute worst place you could possibly run to during a zombie outbreak. The number one thing you can be sure of is that when an outbreak occurs, people with all types of symptoms will be rushing in droves to the nearest medical facility available. Now the person sitting to your left in the lobby may just have really bad allergies, but it’s just as possible that within the next five minutes they’ll be lurching over from their seat to rip a chunk out of your face. Stay away from the health center unless you’re interested in feeding a zombie or becoming one.
University of California Police Department
Contrary to popular belief that a police department should be your first stop when zombies attack, the UCPD is one of the last places you want to go, especially if the undead are already roaming the streets in large numbers. Sure, there’s an armory and a number of police vehicles at the station, but you’re going to have to navigate your way through a busy intersection of zombies to get there. And by the time you arrive, most if not all of the guns and vehicles will probably already have been taken by officers responding to calls of cannibalistic activity in the area.
Campus Parking Lots
The daily traffic in the parking lots that border the campus is bad enough without the threat of zombies sending car owners into a mad rush to get to their vehicles and hightail it out of the city. If you’re one of these people, then you can expect to find yourself stuck in a mini traffic jam with dozens of other drivers who had the same idea. If a zombie throws itself at your windshield hopefully the glass will be strong enough to keep it at bay until the traffic thins out, but if the drivers’ nearest the exit has already fallen prey to the undead you might as well be human Spam in an over-sized can. If you do manage to get out of the parking lot alive, here’s something to look forward to: there’s going to be a lot more traffic where that came from once you reach the highways and major streets. Have fun with that.
The Highland Union Building (HUB)
You’ve seen the daily lunch rush and general uproar—a big building at the center of campus is where most people will flock to for food or shelter, when in fact it is one of the last places you ought to be. If your intention is to raid the dining facilities for food, you’ll have to fight a bunch of desperate people for your own measly scraps. If it’s shelter you seek, you’ll be forced to share the space with a crowd, and are you willing to bet your life that there won’t be any infected individuals huddling in your midst? Not to mention, with zombies already roaming outside the building, you’ll soon be stuck between a bunch of zombies and, oh hey, more zombies.
First of all, unless you’re a resident or a member of the housing staff, you won’t be able to get into any of the three residence halls. Of course, you can always break into the building, but now you’ve also left an opening for the undead to pour into. You might find some food and supplies here, but housing rules prevent any resident from stockpiling a cache of firearms and other weaponry, even if it’s in preparation for the upcoming zombie plague. So unless there’s a double barrel hidden somewhere beneath the dirty laundry and textbooks, you’ve got no weapons to defend yourself when the zombies come knocking. Oh wait, do you play “Left 4 Dead?” Maybe you can throw your Xbox at them.
Student Rec Center
Okay, fine. You might be able to barricade a few doors with the cardio machines, but the fact remains that the most of the ground floor perimeter consists of glass windows and doors. It’s only a matter of time before the zombies crack through the glass and drag themselves over the elliptical trainers. What are you going to do then, hurl a bunch of weights at the horde of undead? And this is, of course, assuming that you’re in good enough shape to lift and throw around weights heavier than thirty pounds. So, where’s your next point of retreat—the racquetball courts? Brilliant strategy, Captain Dead Meat.
The Coffee Bean
A small, low-roofed box with glass walls. If this is your stronghold of choice, then you really must be the best and brightest that this fine institution has to offer (or you just have an extreme caffeine addiction). Okay, so there’s a small supply of food, but the majority of it is perishable and your ability to stuff your face as a mob of the undead press in on all sides of your little fortress of solitude is somewhat questionable. Hope that last cup of coffee was worth it.
We know you’re far too intelligent to have even considered climbing the bell tower, but there will always be one genius who thinks, “Hey, what if I just go where the zombies can’t reach me?” And what’s taller than a 161-foot tall tower in the middle of the campus? Let’s say you’re able to get inside and up to the very top of the bell tower. You are now essentially trapped in a very tall bird cage with a forty-eight musical bells. On the bright side, this is your chance to fulfill your lifelong dream of becoming a carillonneur. Too bad you’ll most likely starve to death long before you can actually figure out how to play the carillon.
To be frank, if you’re still on campus around the time word of the pandemic gets out, you’re pretty much screwed. As you are reading this, keep in mind that the people around you can either become your allies or your competition during a zombie apocalypse. On Z-Day this campus will suffer a drastic imbalance when it comes to supply and demand (which all you business/econ majors should be experts on) over food, supplies and any available weapons. If you are stuck on campus when the undead emerge to feast upon humanity, the harsh truth is that 99 percent of you probably won’t make it. So, stay informed and try to stay alive, folks.