The Digital World with Ryan Simon: Google Announces Plans for World Domination

Google has their hands in many different parts of people’s lives. If you use their search engine, Gmail email service, Google Voice,  Google Music, Google Docs, Android, Google Chrome, Google+, and/or a plethora of their other pieces of useful software, Google knows a lot about you. They probably know what your major is, what you like to eat, trips you’ve been on, who your friends and family are, and more details about your life than you could possibly imagine. It should come as no surprise then that on April 1 at a press conference hosted by Google CEO Larry Page, Google announced their plans to conquer the modern world using people’s personal information. Page laughed as he said that “[a lot of] people didn’t see this coming, and they were so naive to trust a multi-billion dollar company like Google with their information.” He went on to explain that “Google’s main goal internally at Mountain View has always been to build a company powerful enough to dominate the world. Today, I can proudly say we have reached that goal.”

Their announcement for world domination comes after Google’s changes to their privacy policies rendered people incapable of protecting their personal information. Furthermore, Google can legally claim that they are not liable for any damages done to persons using their services. With that said, press attending the conference had some serious questions to ask the company as Google makes their transition to a dominate world power. A representative for Apple asked, “Does Google have any room to include other corporations in their plans to control modern society? We would love to be able to force the world to only use Mac computers.” Page responded by saying that “even though we have considered teaming up with companies like Apple, it is in our best interest to be the sole dictators of the world. Plus, the world would be terrible if we all used Macs. Everyone will be using the superior Chrome OS and Android systems.” When questions arose about how Google would ensure the safety and well-being of its citizens, Page smiled and said, “we want the world to be like our offices: people will have free access to gyms, daycare, professional chefs and be given time out of their work day for personal projects.”

Page also confirmed that every person who accepts Google as the world government will be made an employee of Google’s new venture called Google Empire. “Google Empire is a project like none other at Google,” Page boasted, “we have some great new technology in the works that is powerful enough to destroy entire planets. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever heard of.” He later asked the audience to refer to him as “Emperor Page” for the duration of the conference.

Since I was in attendance, I had some questions of my own: “if everyone works for Google, what will happen to the thousands of businesses scattered across the globe? And how does curing cancer and world peace fit into your plans, Emperor?” Page replied that “curing cancer is certainly on our to-do list, and world peace should be easily attainable once everyone joins our Empire project—we’re working with Metta World Peace to make that a reality.” He then angrily stated that “no other business in the world can do what we’re doing, and they have no place in the Google domination plan.”

As I left the conference it was rather interesting to hear the chatter from other attendees. People were genuinely happy, and cheered about having their own personal chefs and the opportunity to work at Google. I do have to say the whole thing sounds pretty enticing, but no doubt the U.N., North Korea, and other governments across the world have taken issue with Google’s new plan and their Empire project. Small groups across the globe have begun to militarize and prepare to rebel against the new Google dictatorship. With these rebel groups and the backing of the U.N. and North Korea, Google has a long fight ahead of them to ensure their place as the sole world power.

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